Welcome Back, IAH!

Guess who's back, y'all?

Yeth, bishes - it's me, IAH.

Back by popular demand (well, a prompting email from our gal Jemmy...).

I don't have the time (or desire/ ganas) to fill you in on what's been going on but will make an effort to keep you abreast going forward. Word?

Besides - I've got a cupcake waiting for me. She's calling my name from the kitchen. She's PB&J and she's hella yums. Furthermore, I'm high on decongestants.

So stay tuned, honeys. Stay tuned...

Delirium Tremens

Had beers last night at Cafe Bierre with Jemmy and Elsie.  Super fun!  

I thought the night couldn't get any better after Michael Jackson's "PYT" came on the radio (and you know how I like my Michael Jackson...).  But when Jemmy confessed she once cried because she came to the realization that she'd never be able to marry Michael Jackson, I almost lost it.

Housewhores, mac 'n' cheese and cackles

Last night's viewing of the Real Housewhores was classic.  CLASSIC!

It started with a delish dinner of homemade mac 'n' cheese (thanks, Elsie!) and salad (thanks, Tami!).  This was all topped off by a cupcake tasting in preparation for Elsie's nuptials.  The peanut butter cupcake was far away the crowd favorite (and I'm still daydreaming about it now...).

The Housewhores were totally cackle-worthy.  And swoon-worthy (did you see Bethenny's hot Frenchie?!).  

But even better was our viewing of Daisy of Love afterward.  We all had to choose "boyfriends" (tough considering the pool of tards/ applicants).  My favorite line from the night came when Elsie said "he looks like he rode the short bus to the cemetary".

No, wait.  My favorite line was when Elsie yelled "you're all doofed up on hupcakes" (I think she meant to say "hopped up on cupcakes" but I'm not entirely sure.  I'm not fluent in Elsie-ese.

Even the cats love The Real Housewhores

Last night's gathering of friends to watch/mock The Real Housewhores of NYC was exceptional.  So good, in fact, that the cats even got into it (see photos above).

Jemmy, Loraine and The Tami came over for dinner and a good, old-fashioned Housewhore mockery.  Jemmy made the most delish salad, The Tami brought the happiness trifecta (wine, cheese and crackers) and Loraine brought homemade peanut butter rice krispie treats.  I contributed a loaf of bread (which my mom actually bought for me [true story...]).

Sadly we were missing the third member of the Tourette Triplets - Elsie Clever.  She was home sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection (which I believe is her idea of a euphemism for "the period before her period").

Thanks to The Tami's quick thinking (and quick texting skills) the night before I was able to VHS the sneak preview episode of Real Housewhores of NJ.  Oh - this is going to be a good year...

"The hobbit gets down!"

Last night Jemmy, Elsie and I went to see The Lumerians at The Bottom of the Hill.

A super fun time was had by all but my favorite part of the night was when Elsie leans over and whispers in my ear "The hobbit gets down" about a certain small statured woman standing behind engaging in hippie dancing.

Happy birthday, Jemmy Pilsner!

Today Jemmy is another year older, another year sillier and another year closer to the inevitable Rheumatoid Thrustitis.  Shame...

What is Rheumatoid Thrustitis, you say?  You'll have to ask Elsie.  But it has something to do with being an aged teen idol, working on a cruise ship and spreading your loving around the ship...

Last night we had a delightful dinner and movie night at Loraine's house.  Unfortunately for Loraine she invited me, Jemmy and Elsie (aka The Tourette Triplets).

I can't tell you the things that came out of our mouths (though those of you in the inner circle can surely ascertain how base and grody it got).  We all laughed so hard our bellies hurt - and that's what really matters, right?

Can City

It was a great, fun, friend-filled weekend.  Curiously, the funniest thing I remember (maybe because it's the last thing that happened on Sunday night) was hearing Michael's tales of "Can City".

Well, truth be told I don't really remember what he said about Can City.  I was too stunned and awe-struck by this nickname.  Um, who knew that those in the know refer to Kansas City as Can City?!  Makes me want to hop on a plane right now and head over there.  Come on - we're talking about cans, people!  CANS!!

I don't know about you but in my world "can" refers to one of two things:  breasts or rumps.  I can't tell you how much mileage I've gotten out of the Simpsons episode where Homer appears on "Rock Bottom" talking about the babysitter's "sweet can".  Which leads me to the (sweet) can warehouse at my former employer, GCC.  Ask Jemmy - she'll tell you all about it ;)

Discrimination!

I feel I'm the victim of discrimination.  

Is it because I'm a woman?  No.  Is it because I'm a half-breed?  Nah.  Or because I'm the coolest, funniest, sassiest gal in town?  Probably (but that's not what I'm talking about today).

It's because I don't have a microwave.  That's right.  This world is geared toward microwave owners.  And not for me :(

Much to my mother's chagrin there is no microwave in my kitchen.  She brings it up every time she's cooking in my kitchen (which is not a rare occurrence).  I pooh-pooh her each time and show her how my kettle and/or saucepans can do the job in a jiffy.  And without that pesky radiation...

Trader Joe's is also not an advocate for those who live microwave-free.  A good number of their (frozen or refrigerated) products come with microwave heating instructions and nothing else.  Um, hello?!  Et tu, Trader Joe's?

And now let's talk about the Busken Bakery of Ohio.  Jemmy brings me a delightful loaf of schnecken from her visit to Ohio.  She suggests warming it up before eating.  I look at the packaging and there is a sticker with heating instructions:  slice and heat in microwave for ten seconds.  That's all they say - no other heating instructions.  AY!  (Note:  I warmed the schnecken in the oven and it was delish!).

Here's my point:  WTF?!  Throw me a bone, packaging people, and give some non-microwave heating instructions.  Dang!

Heavy Metal Parking Lot? Yes, please.

I had no idea this gem existed until last night.  For reals.  If these kids weren't all speaking with atrosh Maryland accents I'd swear this was filmed in my hometown (or in nearby Concord).

Last night Elsie, Loraine and I went to Jemmy's house for pizza and movie (a classic combo, no?).  We watched Heavy Metal Parking Lot and Marie Antoinette.  Now - when I saw "watched" what I really mean is gave non-stop running commentary.  Oh, good times...

Whatever happened to Baby Jane?

Tonight Jemmy and Loraine came over for M, P, P & P (that's movie, pizza, pie and pals).

While watching "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" we ate, snuggled with Marvin and Shamus, and made almost non-stop commentary on the movie.  Ah, good times.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to say "you" correctly ever again.  And starting tomorrow I'll be wearing a heart-shaped drawn on mole on my cheek (just like Baby Jane).  Just because I'm fancy like that. 

Wine + pals = good times

Had wine, snacks and yip yap at Marc 49 last night with Jemmy and Loraine.  This place is a total hit.  Oh, yeah, and so are my friends.  

Marc 49 has even got a wee patio zone.  Come on - booze, snacks and heat lamps?  What's not to love?!

It's all fun and games until...

... your pizza lands on the cat's flank.

Picture this.  It's Friday night.  Jemmy and I are having a big time.  We're sitting on my couch, watching Election, drinking wine and eating pizza from Zachary's.  Marvin is on the armrest to Jemmy's left.  Shamus is prostrate on Jemmy's lap.

Seems like things couldn't get any better, yes?  But wait, there's more...

Jemmy's eating a slice of pizza with a fork (it's Zachary's after all).  She cuts off a small piece and the remaining portion of pizza flies off the plate and lands directly on Shamus' flank (see the photo above [re-created, of course]).  Ba ha ha ha!!

Jemmy gingerly lifts the slice from Shamus' flank.  There's a sprinkling of chili pepper flakes on a small, greasy, matted tuft of fur.  But otherwise he's unharmed.  In fact - he doesn't even react.  That kid's got so much fluff on his flank - it'd take a lot more than a projectile slice of pizza for him to notice.

Jemmy + pizza + fluff = hijinks.

P 'n' P

P 'n' P.  You just can't beat it.  Some call it "Platypus and Pantalones".  Some say it's "Penis and Pencils" or even "Peanuts and Pirates".  Call it what you will - it's just a great time at Lanesplitter.

Last night's highlights:

• Jemmy's "best Korean"
• The Tami's dirrty jokes
• Loraine's country shirt debut
• Elsie freaking out about "girl in the olive shirt"

"Everybody's merkin for the weekend!"

On Saturday Elsie, Dean, Jemmy and I were having a lovely brunch at Lee's house.  Suddenly Jemmy mentions a "merkin".  I'm all "Heh?".  Elsie's all "Yeah, merkin".  Jemmy's all "How do you not know?".  I'm all "What is it?".  They're all "It's a pubic hair wig".  I'm all "How did this exist and I didn't know about it?!".

So in an effort to educate you as my friends educated me - I hereby introduce you to the merkin.  Please to enjoy...

Don't be a "don't"

Jemmy found this gem of a website.  Of course.  Because she's hella hip and sheesh.  So please read it and educate yourself.  And for the love of Crystal Gayle - don't be a "don't"!

seat belt cozies - the real crime in Oakland

Yesterday my pal Jemmy Pilsner and I had dinner at Lanesplitter Pizza (yums!).  En route to our destination (a mere 1.4 miles from my apartment) we saw not one but two(!) men driving while wearing seat belt cozies.  WHAT (said in Li'l John voice)?  

We shamelessly mocked the first guy (claiming it must have been a gift from his 14 year old girlfriend) but the second guy really threw us.  He looked like your average cracker (who wouldn't have a 14 year old girlfriend who gives cozies as gifts - or would he?).  So - what's the deal?  

Now - we've all heard the statistics about crime in Oakland.  But, come on - this is by far the most egregious crime being committed in the city of Oakland.  I'm going to start a neighborhood watch or a vigilante mob.  My goal:  make Oakland free of seat belt cozies.  

Say it with me "Cozy-free is the choice for me!".